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My husband believes we should have six months of spending saved up at all times. I think it's too much, but I just go along with it.
I try to add money to our high-yield savings because, in my opinion, savings means savings. But he never puts money in — he says he just meant we should have it on hand. I don't agree with this, because it feels like I'm the only one contributing to our "savings." What should we do?
Sincerely,
My Money, But Not My Idea
Dear My Money,
First, how many months of salary should a person have saved in an emergency fund (the experts say at least three to six months), and whether saving should be an ongoing process or about reaching a certain dollar amount, depends on your goals.
As for your specific case, I'm tempted to weigh in on who I think is right. Except, I don't think offering my thoughts or even my research on the financial ins and outs of your situation is likely to help.
It's never difficult to find someone or something on the internet who will agree with you and offer you all the evidence you need. If resolving your disagreement with your husband was as simple as being given the winning data, my guess is you would have turned to a dozen easier sources for backup. But since you came to me, I want to instead discuss the underlying issue — you and your husband hold different financial planning philosophies and an unequal approach to who calls the shots.
You've clearly outlined the differences in your financial philosophies. You see savings as a wealth-building tool and, therefore, want to contribute to a high-yield savings account where your money can grow. Your husband sees savings as a means of security, so he doesn't worry about monthly contributions, only meeting a specific dollar amount he knows he can fall back on in case of emergency.
However, your dilemma is bigger than a disagreement over savings strategy. The real issue is that within this disagreement, your husband is the only one getting his way. Your husband has his six months of savings, and so, as far as he's concerned, your family is set. But that's not your preference. Your strategy is for both of you to consistently contribute to a high-yield savings account, something only you are doing.
The obvious answer here is to compromise. You've reached your husband's savings goal, and now you can both turn your efforts toward your savings goal. But it doesn't seem like he is open to doing this because, as far as he's concerned, your savings have been handled — his way.
I don't know the inner workings of your relationship, but there is a power imbalance evident in your letter that is worth unpacking in order to decide how to best communicate your needs.
In many relationships, one member of the couple becomes the default leader. For obvious cultural reasons, in heterosexual relationships, this is often the man, but plenty of other factors can play into this for all relationships. A big one in my marriage is that my husband is an oldest child, and I am a middle child. When things get dicey, I have the tendency to look around for an adult who will tell me what to do. My husband, on the other hand, walks into every situation with the assumption that he's in charge, and if things start sliding south, he alone must fix it.
Except I'm an intelligent person, and I have great ideas, too. And in any case, relationships work best when both halves of a couple work together, play off one another's strengths, and supplement one another's weaknesses. While there's nothing wrong with one person spending more time in the driver's seat than their partner, it is essential that both sides feel heard and respected when it comes to navigating the trip. For me, this means making my voice heard, and for my husband, it means listening.
Introducing this equity into a relationship is harder than playing the roles that come easiest, but intentional collaboration is crucial to working as a team. Tell your husband that your savings strategy is as important to you as those six months of emergency savings are to him. Remind him that you share finances, and someday, you'll both benefit from the money only you are currently stashing away.
If he responds by arguing with you over the necessity of those savings, do what I did in this letter and avoid debating the merits of your differing plans. Instead, assert your position as an equal partner who deserves to have your opinions valued.
You said it best in your letter: "I think it's too much, but I just go along with it." Why do you "just go along" with something you feel is unnecessary? Because it's important to your husband, and extra savings never hurt anyone. Your financial priorities deserve the same respect, even when your husband deems them unnecessary. And this respect means more than him simply tolerating your choice to set aside a portion of your check every month; it will require his participation. You are an adult with good ideas and financial anxieties that you two can tackle as a team. This is the whole point of sharing finances.
True compromise doesn't resolve in a win/lose situation where one person triumphs while the other is left carrying their losing argument alone. True compromise is two people agreeing to concede a little and gain a little — and that's a win/win.
Rooting for you both,
For Love & Money
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